The big fight: Time to flash your 'nationalist' card?

Written by: Maitreyee Boruah
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Forget Aadhaar, the latest must-have-in-your-wallet is a "nationalist" card. So, before the fast-approaching deadline gets over, go grab yours.

Not taking it seriously? Well then, get ready to pack your bags and move to Pakistan.

Nationalism

Else, only God can save you (if at all there is one who is neither green nor saffron; may be the "regular" god whom you remember only during bad times).

Because the Modi government, its followers and a certain Mr Goswami have made it amply clear that the country has no place for "anti-nationals" (the exact definition of which is yet to be determined).

Now, don't make that sad face. Wondering about your future? Are you worried about being jailed on charges of sedition? It is not very difficult to turn into a nationalist (sometimes also called a bhakt, this amorphous genus is mostly found on the internet trolling everyone who dares to disagree with the government).

There are a few rules which might come in handy (you better follow them than get beaten up by lawyers and peeing in your pants).

Following these rules could be a bit difficult, but not impossible. First, change your wardrobe. Paint it completely saffron. Yes, saffron jeans, saffron dupattas, saffron sarees, saffron shirts, saffron knickers... Isn't it fun?

Okay, if not saffron, you can also copy our HRD minister's style statement--sporting your affiliation on your clothes (remember her designer saree with lotus flowers during the oath-taking ceremony).

Next, worship your mother. No, no, we don't mean your biological mother (fathers relax, patriarchy is not ending anytime soon).

Here, mother means our gau mata (the holy cow), and of course, Bharat Mata. Every house must have a cowshed (stop worrying about car parking space). Make sure, you give a proper bath to your gau mata every day.

Decorate her with garlands, tilak and bells. Drink cow's milk and pray every day for good health, as you need to stay away from meat and fish for the rest of your life. Along with Kareena Kapoor Khan and Shahid Kapoor, you too may get a chance to become the brand ambassador for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

Isn't all that so much fun? Sadly, only Justice Markandey Katju has a problem with the idea of accepting cow as his mother. But beware of your pet dog's jealousy, as you (his master) start giving 24X7 attention to cows.
Third, open an account on Twitter with a profile picture of either lord Rama or PM Modi (in case you want to project yourself as a pro-development Hindutva leader).

Your tweets should always blame the Gandhi family for all your misfortunes, which also includes burnt curries and spilt milk. Next, praise everything about India, including the filth and garbage, clogged traffic, corruption, sycophancy, hate crime, atrocities against minorities, Dalits and women etc.

Gomatha puja

Our country is the best and we are all proud citizens of this great land. If the next editorial in The New York Times criticises India as an anti-Dalit, anti-Muslim, and anti-student country, attack tennis legend Martina Navratilova.

Last but not the least, support and abide by every ban that the government imposes-ban on beef, liquor and freedom of speech (rest to be announced shortly). Just accept them as god's will (prasadam ).

Don't even dare to bat an eyelid. Stop complaining and keep your mouth shut. Bharat Mata Ki Jai.

(P.S. This is not a news article, just a rant fuelled by the current situation in the country. Suggestions mentioned above not to be taken seriously. Not intended to hurt anyone's sentiments.)

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